I swear
by Simplyjordan1
Summary: Dean is not homophobic, its just that anytime he looks at his roommate with another guy he gets this inexplicable anger. He isn't homophobic, right? human AU. I have seen this prompt on tumbler so anything you see is not mine so please don't yell at me. *dodges plate* Rated teen for cursing, and more mature themes. No smut, no sir
1. Chapter 1

Hey! So this is my first multi-chapter fic, although this is more of a two shot. I based this off of a tumblr prompt that I saw, so if it looks familiar that's why. Also please no comments saying that I stole it, i swear that I am just using the idea. I apologise if this is hard to follow or confusing, or if there is bad grammar.

Dear Sam

Look I'm not Homophobic. God, a month and a half ago I would never imagine that these words would exit my lips. I am not saying this phrase like those asshats carrying the confederate flag say it. I don't call people slurs when they are in a moment of weakness only to say that it is just an expression. I don't say I am not gay but… I don't bully people who are gay. I. AM. NOT. LIKE. THAT. I swear.

I even have a gay best friend. God! that doesn't make me sound any better. It makes me sound like someone who couldn't possibly be homophobic because they know a gay person. ' like omg how can you call me gay. I know at least four gay people' Uggggg. I am not like that either I promise.

Charlie is truly my best friend. We met in kindergarten. Well, met is used loosely. She kind of just latched on with a 'sup Winchester, we are best friend now' and that was that. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I was a pretty angst filled child. But i'll be damned if she didn't help me through some tough times. And I did the same for her.

That's why I am so confused right now. Charlie is my best friend, I don't care that she is gay, like at all. Hell I even helped her accept herself when her parents wouldn't. I remember her sneaking in and us staying up for hours. I was just always there for her, and things went on as normal.

And i just can't be homophobic. Charlie and her girlfriend are always over my apartment. Omg they are adorable too. They are both so firey and perfect for each other. I have never seen Charlie glow as bright as she does when she is with Dorothy. Funny story, I actually met Dorothy first in class. We were project partners, and she wasted no time in telling me that she was gay, exclusively gay, and only gay, and that if I tried anything that she would break all of my fingers. Then she goes on to list all of the hand bones in the human body. I couldn't help myself. I laughed my ass off.

Now I know what you are thinking. Dean stranger danger run away! But that was not going through my head at all. What I was thinking was, wow this nerd would be perfect for my geek, and they have been together ever since.

This kind of stuff has never bothered me before. Charlie and Dorothy kiss in front of me all the time. Wait, no! That doesn't sound good either. Now I sound like a bastard who fetishizes lesbians, but I swear to all things holy that it is not like that.

Now, once again you may be asking yourself, ' well Dean you sound as un-homophobic as possible, what makes you think otherwise'. Well, its not Charlie, it's Cas. Well Castiel if you want to be technical. Well Dean ' who is Castiel.' awesome question. He is my roommate, and yes, he is gay.

Now this is no problem. I actually asked him if he was okay with gay people, as you know, part of the interview process. And yeah, I know that the question is personal for the first interview, but you have no idea just how many people went on ten minute rants about the filth that is ruining marriage, or about how hot lesbians are. I took great pleasure in absolutely shredding those applications. And setting them on fire. And letting your dog shit on them. Thanks for that by the way. And then lighting that on fire. So yeah I am not homophobic. Just to clarify.

Anyway, I was asking for Charlies benefit. I would never, ever, ever want to make her uncomfortable with being herself under my roof.

So, back to Cas. When I got to that question, he couldn't have had a more perfect answer, it wasn't until I was narrowing down to my top two applicants that he confided that he himself was actually gay. At first it was fine, I mean cool, gay roomate. I don't really care. You do you.

But like I said, at first it was fine. But then he brought his boyfriend over. His boyfriend was a reasonably nice guy. Always polite, always making sure everything was okay with me. Like when they would bring friends over. It was all fine. Hell, even Charlie liked them. They would go on double dates at least bi-weekly. And it was all fine. Okay, maybe I was a little lonely but I swear to jesus that that was it.

About a month in to Cas living here they broke up. Cas was devastated. I mean truly devastated. He wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't even come out of his stupid freaking room. I was just so angry at his boyfriend. But still, not in a homophobic way. More like in a you screwed with my friend, prepare to die way.

The homophobic part came in about two weeks after the break up where Cas started, um, dating around. At this point he was one of my best friends. I didn't want to see him get hurt. I get it, I do. Rebounding is a completely normal way of getting over a long term relationship. I've done it, Charlie has done it, you have done it. Again, it is completely normal.

But then, whenever I would see Cas, um having relations with guys, oh not that you perverts! I mean kissing. I would get these feelings. It's like a hot, white anger in my stomach. It makes me feel sick, and disgusted, and just itching for a fight. And it just gets worse every time he does it.

Is this some kind of deep rooted homophobia that my dad gave me. Is it possible for it to kick in later in life? Is it genetic?

And I have been so rude to Cas. I've been snapping at him, and just overall being a shitty roomate. Everytime he has a guy over I just slam the door to my room. I just can't help myself. Everytime I do I just feel so bad, but I can't stop.

God I should talk to him about it shouldn't I. If I am having ugly thoughts about him he should know. That's it! Tomorrow morning I am talking with him about this. I need to fix this

Dean

Chapter 2 will explore the conversation between Cas and Dean. It will be written in present tense in Dean's point of view. Thanks for reading. Once again this is based off of something that I saw on tumblr so please don't comment that you have seen this before, or that I am stealing this. I am just using the idea.


	2. the Conversation

Hey. so this is my last planned chapter. I hope everyone enjoys. I don't think that there is much else to say. same warnings from the last chapter applies. Have fun, and please no hate. I am well aware that I suck at writing, mostly because I write when I can't sleep.

Oh god I am really going to do this. Holy shit, how in the nine layers of hell will I be able to do this. I mean after a few months of living with a guy how do you tell him that you got issues with him. Not only issues with him, but issues with him smooching other guys. Especially after I made that big stink about making sure he was cool with Charlie. Maybe I am only homophobic to dudes? My god I am such a jackass.

I really need to calm down, or I may never be able to do this. Yeah. I just need to take a breather. A nice long shower to calm me down. _I can do this_ , I tell myself. _Just one step at a time._

I keep up the positive comments in my head as I slowly walk towards the shower. This was tough to do because the main thought coursing through my skull was that if I never got out of the shower, than I would never have to face Cas.

Staying in the shower forever was highly appeasing. As the room filled with steam I could feel some of the tension slipping away from my coiled muscles. God, I needed this. Well, first I actually need to stop stalling, and face the knowledge that I will, eventually, have to get out of the bathroom. With this in mind I stepped into the spray.

To be fair I did not stay in long enough to let the water get cold. However, I did wash everything as slowly as I could. About halfway through my thorough deep clean, I heard Castiel get in from work. I knew it was him from his heavy, stupid, sensible shoes hitting the floor. That might stick people as a little weird, but my philosophy is… if you can't identify members of your family by the sounds of their footsteps, are you really a family? And yes, I do consider Cas family, which makes what I am about to do even harder.

Oh, and you know what I said earlier? About not staying in long enough to let the water get cold? Big fat lie. Holy shit am I taking an ice bath right now? Are my lips turning blue? Maybe I should just forget about this conversation and go snuggle up in bed by myself.

No! I have to do this. I also have to get out of this damned shower!

I slowly step out one foot after the other, wrapping a towel securely around my waist. It's time for my famous dramatic mirror pep talk. Well, its famous to me.

" Okay Dean, you got this. I know that it has been a while since you have done this mushy feelings stuff, but you gotta push through. John didn't raise no pansy. You are going to go in there, and you are going to tell him how you feel. And yes you do realize how much you sound like Sam right now, but it doesn't matter. You have waited too long."

Okay. I can do this. I am going to do this. As soon as I shave, and get dressed. Maybe I should visit Sam too. California is only a seven hour drive. Yeah.

No! Bad dean, shave and get dressed. That's it.

I grab my razor and start to drag it across my face as if I had all of the time in the world. Can you blame me? I want to look nice if I am going to make one of my best friends hate me for the rest of their life.

Oh crap, I ran out of stubble to get rid of. I tip toe over to my room. There is no point in alerting Castiel to my presence.

" Hello Dean."

Aww crap. " Hey Cas, ummmm hi," i stuttered. Oh god. Why now? I don't even have pants on yet. And of course my roommate who can manage to get a guy every two weeks pays no attention to social clues. For example, if a guy is not wearing pants, do not talk to them until they are.

" Dean, I have thought that you would like to know that Jeremy will be here in approximately half an hour."

" Jeremy? Whos Jeremy?" I exclaimed. Oh no. I am starting to get that feeling again. I can't even describe it. It is like a piece of rage in the lower half of my stomach. It makes me kind of sick. If anything, this only steeled my resolve to talk to him about this.

" Jeremy is my new romantic interest. You have met him once before, at the annual holiday party a few weeks ago.

"Wait . Do you mean your boss Jeremy?"

"Yes, that is who I am referring to, is there a problem?" he responded stiffly.

" Yes there is a fucking problem! And I would love to talk to you about it once I have pants on!" I exclaim, pushing past him to reach my room. I slam the door with enough force for my neighbor to feel it. Hell, maybe China could have felt it for all I care.

Why on earth does Castiel have to sleep around with other guys? Why is he making all of these stupid decisions? Why does all of this make me so angry? Why is he being like this?

Its like every time I turn around there is new guy. A new guy to fall completely head over heels in love with Cas before Cas dumps them. What does this burning mean? Why am I such a bad person? Why am I a homophobic ass?

Why is Cas like this? And most importantly what do these guys have that I don't? Why does Cas like them and not me?

Woah. That's new. That's really new.

I pause in the middle of yanking my pant leg up. Is that what this feeling is? Is this… jealousy? No, it couldn't be, I think while finishing getting dressed. I've never been attracted to guys. I couldn't remember one time where I had ever looked at a guy like that. Well, until Cas.

Finally finished with my clothes, I sheepishly open the door to my room. I cringe a little when it lets out a loud creak, instantly alerting Cas to my presence.

" Cas, I think that we need to talk," I croak, training my eyes on the ground.

" You think? Dean, tell me what's going on." he trained those magnificent blue eyes on me. Correction, those understanding blue eyes. Never in a million years did I expect this. I thought that he would be furious with me, that he would focus all of his righteous anger unto me. But no, here he is. Concerned for me. I feel the ice that has almost permanently settle in my gut thaw.

" So, um, god this is really hard to say," he opens his mouth to interrupt, but I solemnly shake my head, " Like I was saying this is really hard to say, but It needs to be said. I would like to lead with the fact that I am not homophobic."

"Dean, why on earth would I think that you were homophobic?" he gruffed out, confused.

" Jesus man, I am getting there. Just let me finish. I am not homophobic, I know this. It's just lately that whenever I see you being… intimate.. With a guy, I am .. repulsed? No that's not the right words. God I am fucking this up. It's like this pit in my stomach that makes me sick. But the pit is filled with this fire like rage, and I just get so angry. Whenever I see you with a guy I just want to drag him off of you and smash his face in. "

"For the past few weeks I have been hating myself. After all, who does that to their friend. After a few months of knowing someone, who hates them for only being gay. Right now, I don't care that your gay! WooHoo your gay, who cares? Not me, but when you are with I guy I do care. In fact, I care alot. I just don't know. I don't know."

" Dean, slow down. Are you sure that you haven't always felt this way? I am aware that-"

"No Cas, this isn't about my dad, plus, I don't get this feeling with Charlie at all. Only you."

"Dean-"

"No, let me finish. I know that I am not homophobic. I know this now at least. For the longest time I was so scared that I would ruin the relationship that we have due to hatred that took awhile to set in, but just now I think I realized something."

"Dean."

"No Cas, This is something that I really need to say. I think that when I see you with another guy, it is the opposite of homophobia."

" I do not understand."

"Cas, I think that I like you," Outwardly I was calm, but inside I was hoping, nay, praying for cas to say something. He was just standing there with this look on his face. It was the first time that have seen him rendered speechless.

" Cas, look. You don't have to say or do anything, if you want to find a new apartment I completely underst-"

All of the sudden I had a six foot man attached to me by the lips. I instantly stiffen for a moment before relaxing into the kiss. Despite all of my fears, this felt right. In that moment, I could swear on my life that I was not homophobic


End file.
